I find myself regularly thinking “wow, that person is insane.” No, I don’t mean the literal term insane either, just that moment someone does something irrational or unfathomable, and the easiest explanation for the behavior is insanity. Admittedly it is judgmental, but I chalk it up to being human.
Now that I have admitted my imperfection, do you also think this some times? Remember, this is a safe space of honesty… cool, so you’re also human.
What I am getting to here is thinking passed the “insanity” we assume for people’s behavior. Assuming they actually did have a reason behind it that might be a little more relatable or understandable than we want to admit. I can think of many examples just off the top of my head, but for the sake of vulnerability here- one specific to me:
When I was younger I could quickly and easily cut people out of my life without looking back. Quite often this occurred and I could look back now and probably tell you the exact moment in my mind I was letting go to burn the bridge, and move on. Insane right!? Well there was methods behind my madness, and it all revolved around hurting others so they couldn’t hurt me- maybe still a little madness there, but a whole hell of a lot more relatable than the girl who just couldn’t keep friends. Let me give you some back story to why my brain was subconsciously making these actions occur- seriously subconscious, I had no idea there was a trail of sadness following me until I was 20, but that will have to be another story for another day.
When I was about six my parents got divorced and I don’t remember much other than the fighting over who got to keep what half of what, moving a couple times, and my older brother being the hero he always has been trying to distract and protect me from the sadness surrounding us. What my six year old brain never knew was the narrative of why there was so much sadness, two “homes”, and a dad that had a traveling job so I didn’t know him as a safe space. This child brain without a narrative created a narrative. That dad who had to travel to support us through a good chunk of life “didn’t love me” and “he left us because I wasn’t good enough”. Me, me, me. My six year old self had convinced myself that the magnitude of my parents divorce was because of ME not being a good enough person to love. The actual issue here is that I never fully expressed how I was feeling which led to many years of feeding this narrative with any moment my dad wasn’t perfect like maybe the one or two soccer games he ever missed, he coached my brothers but not me, he didn’t say he was proud of me with every accomplishment… you see where this is going…
So here’s the deal- I was an angry, anxious, emotionally unintelligent, and highly guarded individual for majority of growing up, and still have pockets that I continue to work through. So when I was cutting people out of my life like they were all disposable, I would also strategically pick friends and boyfriends that weren’t actually good for me which made it a lot easier to let them go because everyone around me saw the justification of “realizing they weren’t good”. Now I also lost some really great people because I also had no idea how to hold on to the good and let go of the bad- some are still around but not nearly as great of relationships as they could be. It all looks insane from the outside, but I was truly protecting myself from ever getting hurt because I was already hurt, unhealed, and afraid to let anyone passed face value.
Fast forward some years- my dad and I mended our relationship, continue to build it, and have the dad/daughter relationship we both always wanted but had no idea how to heal until I was willing to tell him the narrative that had been created and growing for 20 years.
Fast forward a few more years- I have in-laws now. Talk about a trauma trigger I had never expected- allowing ANOTHER set of parents into your life- who needs more than 4!? This relationship has taken a lot of vulnerability and discomfort for myself because the six year old inside me is so worried to let my guard all the way down in fear they may not like who Alyssa is, I may no longer be good enough, they may decide they aren’t proud of who their son married. Irrational, I know because they are the most loving and understanding in-laws anyone could ask for, but the trauma was triggered and all I can do is work through it chunk by chunk and explain my boundaries so they understand me as well. There was a disagreement between my in-laws and myself which led me to retreat into old defensive mode methods, but it also allowed us to talk through the behaviors I was displaying that they couldn’t fathom the reasons behind. The idea that I couldn’t easily let my in-laws into my world was so foreign of a concept that I had to explain my pains, healings, and circumstances that have led me to who I am. Talking through these moments was helpful and painful for everyone involved to realize life is different for everyone, and what seemed insane without context was no longer insane.
We all have baggage, it just looks a little different.
So how many people do we encounter and label their behaviors insane because we don’t have the context to why they react the way they do? So many!
Irrational doesn’t always equal crazy.
If you’re close to someone and you often feel they are irrational, try having a rational conversation to understand their why. I often wonder how much more this world could feel a little less alone and a little more love if we all just took a little extra time with the ones around us. We live in a world that is quick to judge the surface and move on, but that check in to dig a little deeper or to just let that person know they are amazing might just be the change we need to see in the world. Start with the ones closest to you, we have all lived through an abnormal last 12 months and even the strongest of us can use that check in now and then.
Dave Hollis said early in the pandemic, “In the rush to return to normal. Use this time to consider which parts of normal are worth rushing back to.”
Ponder that, and consider not rushing back to the normal that pushed us into being too busy to take 30 seconds to send a caring message or to compliment the person with the cute outfit.
We are the future, let’s make it better.
Coffee + Mascara 